“I feel so guilty when I have to say ‘no’ to someone.” I hear this sentence regularly in my work with my female clients. They sometimes then say they believe it is because they have been conditioned by society to be kind, compliant, and to never upset anyone. I believe this to be true. Yet, I think there’s more to it.
compassion
Why You Should Not Fight Your Feelings
One of the hardest parts, in my experience, of beginning to practice self-compassion is getting an idea of what it would sound like to do it. Does self-compassion sound like pity (“Oh you poor thing”)? Is it like cheerleading (“It’s okay! Get back up again, you can do it! You’re #1!”)? Does it sound like coaching (“Okay, so you messed that up. Here’s what you need to do next…”)? Continue reading
Quit Punishing Yourself (Do This Instead)
In my last blog, Why We Self Criticize and What To Do About It, I raised a question about what makes it so difficult for us to extend the same compassion to ourselves that we give to others. So many times, after a client has disclosed a self-critical thought they have toward themselves (i.e. “I am unlovable” or “I am a bad parent”), I have asked them whether they would ever say that to anyone else. Typically people will emphatically say that they would never say such a nasty thing to someone else, yet they consistently have the thought about themselves day after day. Continue reading
Why We Self-Criticize and What To Do About It
Kristin Neff, PhD has done a wonderful job of explaining the pieces of how we come to have compassion for others.
- We must first take notice that someone is suffering.
- We are moved by their suffering and have an internal response to it.
- Our response then is warmth, kindness, non-judgment, and desire to help end their pain.
How to Combat Your Inner Critic
A common goal for people coming to me for therapy is to have better self-esteem, more confidence, or just to not feel so down on themselves all the time. Continue reading
Carolyn Bloye, PsyD 